A little while ago I had written an essay noting the dramatic increase in couples of all sorts in otakudom, as opposed to the wasteland it was only eight or so years ago in that regard. So many I see seem very happy, and would probably do anything and everything to hold onto what they have found; what has been denied them for so long. Like one who has been thirsty all his life being given a drink of water, like a man who has subsisted on scraps and rotting hunks of flesh being served a well done steak; many are like abused animals in that regard, at least at first. However, though the, initial 'neediness' of it fades as those needs are now being fulfilled, the memory of that lack stays with the one who was denied always. It's something the fanboy (or fangirl, but I hope to convince a fangirl to write a companion piece to this article) would do damn near anything to avoid; the problem is, by doing so, it opens one up to something that is just as bad with the very real potential of getting worse.

Having come off a long term relationship as well as I think probably anyone could come off of a seven year relationship that was supposed to be moving into the marriage area, one tends to take stock of what one could have done, should have done, and should have seen in their blindness. Oh, and for those that know me, this is about as formal an announcement as you're going to get: Myself and Literary Eagle are not together anymore. We parted as friends; so no need to go picking sides or anything, heh. Still, my own experience got me wondering about the above, but also wondering...more. Just what is the divorce/breakup rate of your average fanboy/fangirl couple? More than that, how many fanboys are ignoring warning signs that things are going south due to that incredible FEAR of being alone again? Going even further, what are the warnings and problems that should probably be cleared up before getting in as deeply as we tend to?

You'd think a lot of these would be common sense. You'd think anyway, but time and again, I'd hear or see shit happen to my friends, and there was my own personal experience I had to take into account. This is the kind of shit your friends will be concerned enough to come up and say, “Man, you need to get the fuck out of that shit.” That will actually be the gist of this essay; so, here's some of that shit.

This one should REALLY be a no brainer. That condescending, “I'm doing you a favor, so you owe me!” attitude. I'm not talking about that playful banter all couples engage in with each other. Nor am I talking about the couples that have one partner dragging the other around on a leash in public...if that's what they like to do, I'm not one to say they can't (lucky bastards, heh). I'm talking about the girl's attitude being nothing but that you owe her. Like just being seen with you is a burden you have to be guilty for, because she's doing the equivalent of 'taking one for the team.' Needless to say, if this starts up, or starts out this way, get the fuck out of Dodge. Not only will you wind up an emotional wreck, likely you'll wind up in a financial one too. She'll make you pay for the burden you've placed on her...oh you will pay. When she's done milking you, about the point you have nothing left, she'll either move on to something more pleasing to her, or to yet another desperate fanboy. Do not be led by your hormones here, kissing, hugging, and yes, even sex, are nothing more than hooks to tie you to her. The very promise of these things is what will drive you to greater acts of stupidity. She'll let you touch her body...MAYBE, but never her heart. You saw this shit in high school when these girls were just learning their craft, and now you've just met them at their peak killing prime. Seriously, you see this warning sign, don't hesitate...find those testicles Tenchi Masaki lost and break that one off for you own good. In fact, taking some advice from the Nice Guys Don't Get Laid manual, cover your neediness and overenthusiasm as much as you possibly can. It'll keep some of the above from sniffing you out, and keep some other girls from turning into the above type girl when you show that sort of weakness too early, so be warned.

Here's one: A girl always putting off meeting you, or giving the impression that meeting you is too much of a hassle a considerable amount of the time. This is especially true of long distance relationships which the typical fanboy often finds himself in. The, “It's not a good time,” or “Well, I won't have time off for a few months yet,” and such. Don't get me wrong, long distance relationships are hard, but you MIGHT want to consider that you have a real fucking problem if that extends into the year or more since you've seen each other. I mean, so what if it's for a few days only, and the other person needs to work? Just SEE each other from time to time. You don't have to spend every waking moment with each other when you're with each other. Long distance relationships survive on compromise and adaptability. If one person is taking some time off to tear down a house or something, take some time off and go help them. If one can't get off work for Christmas, but the other can, the one who can should go up and see the other; get a hotel room...whatever, even for a few hours. Always, always keep the other person in mind when you're saving money for this. These are just some options you both might want to consider if you're schedules always seem to conflict, and this is true even if you live in the same city. Odds are, if the girl still is reluctant to do this, chances are she's either: 1. Not into this as much as you are and needs to be, 2. Is seeing someone else, and/or 3. Both of the previous. Even if the girl loves you, there exists a massive problem that you both need to get out into the open should this situation be occurring.

This leads nicely into my next scenario. The girl consistently avoids serious issues and talks. I'm talking some serious fucking conversational ninjitsu here. You'll be wanting to talk about that problem you two had with her mother, and all of the sudden you're wondering how the fuck you wound up discussing the merits of manual vs. mechanical gardening shears, and oh, isn't her new EGL dress so pretty wetty? It sure is, but if you see this trend happening on more and more serious issues, you need to check the conversation and get it back on track. Hell, even just plain flat out give an ultimatum of not speaking again 'til she's ready to sit down and actually talk about what needs talked about...you know issues like your engagement and why she doesn't seem at all interested in it anymore or why she seems to be semi-suicidal all the time. Who know's why she's doing it? Could be any number of things, but that's why you need to figure this out, and fast. Evasions of little things like that are a real big clue something is seriously fubared, and it needs fixing before you two go any further...cause you'll find it's blatently impossible to any further until it's settled.

On the subject of ultimatums, you need to pay attention to those; both the giving and the receiving. If you find yourself giving out ultimatums on things like, coming to see you after a significant time apart, seeing your parents for the first time, etc, to the point it seems every single time you want to advance a stage in the relationship you have to do that, you need to stop and take stock. This is a huge indicator that the girl is not, in any way shape or form, into being with you as much as you are with her...and quite possibly not into being with you at all. You may have to come to come to terms with that as well, but we'll get to that later. There's also the receiving of ultimatums; don't get me wrong, occasionally we need to be checked...we are men, despite being fanboys, first and formemost. Occasionally we fuck up, and forget there are things we really need to pay attention to. On the other hand, if you find your fangirl is trying to remake you into an image of Gackt or whatever her ideal is, you need to sit her down and explain there is no possible way you can do that. Do not destroy yourself to be with anyone, or you'll wind up hating yourself...and eventually her in the end. That is one of the worst places in the whole universe to be.

Somewhat similar to ultimatums is the girl making decisions without you. I don't mean the stuff that just affects her; doing that is what we call 'controlling,' and is probably something that'll be discussed more by the girl's version of this article, assuming I can find a fangirl to write it, but it's bad. What I'm talking about is the stuff that affects both of you. An example of this, and one of the biggest contentions you may have, is the subject of sex. I know what you're thinking...you've both been deprived for so long in this department, you'll likely be screwing like minks in heat for the next decade or so. Not so fast, you horny bastard! This girl may have decided she's not going to have sex until she's married. While archaic, you need to make sure it's a decision that you make with her or agree with her on. Living with something like this will eat you alive inside if you can't. Worse, you can actually wind up training your body to quit responding to her touch. That's right, it will quit being turned on by her, because it will know nothing will come of it if you've not already made the decision to wait as well, and I can't even begin to imagine how fucked up that is. Sex is a wonderful thing, but it's something you do WITH each other, so decisions like that need to be approved by both partners. Another good example is the subject of children. If she's dead set on, say, never having kids, and you'd like some in the future, this is a real big indication that the girl in question has not, and cannot, consider that she is involved in a relationship where many decisions will affect two people. If you start noticing this, don't hesitate, get it out in the open, or it'll be one of those things that will burn you up inside until there's little left of you, but a husk of your former self. It may well be the two of you are just plain not compatible (or have grown incompatible) and need to call it off if you find your fangirl doing things like this.

Similar to this is trust, and I cannot stress this one enough. You HAVE to trust each other. There can be no doubt of this. Trust is the glue in any relationship, and a loss of trust is one of the things that can sever it pretty spectacularly. Trust is also a two way street, it's something you both have to do and to have for each other. Seriously, if you find your fangirl can't even tell you simple things for stupid reasons, it's painfully obvious that your fangirl does not or purposefully will not trust you. This is something that must be addressed immediately, because if she can't tell you the little stuff, how do you know she'll tell you the big stuff, or that it'll even be factual...how do you know anything, if she won't trust you? How can you possibly trust her? To do so is the mark of an utter fool, but then, love makes fools of us all. Still, try not to be a fool for too long, or you may find yourself in a place I discuss next.

Finally, we get into an area that few men get into very often. Fanboys on the other hand? Still pretty rare, but we're more prone to it, so it should most certainly be discussed. If you start noticing this sort of behavior, my advice would be to get out for your own good, perhaps even with a severe warning to the fangirl or her family that she needs serious psychological help, depending on what exactly is going on. I'm not talking about abandoning her if she has severe depression or anything like that. No it's okay to be there for your fangirl if she's falling...in fact if you abandon her at first sign of something like that, you've proven yourself just as bad as the jerks you used to know back in high school and college. Understand first and foremost, she might be a fangirl, but you ARE a fanboy. There are certain stereotypes that are assigned to the fanboy, many of which are not unjustified given the behavior of a lot of us. There are also a lot of things that are quite well known if not completely understood; such as that ever pervasive loneliness and that very real capability to love and try harder (which often backfires on the fanboy) for the girl who has given you a shot. It's not something too many CAN understand, not having lived in forced isolation as the fanboy has. Therefore, quite often, for the first time in the life of the fanboy, he feels loved...more, he feels that deadly illusion that has sent better men than most will ever be to their deaths: Hope. Hope that tomorrow will be just as filled with light and love as these brief moments of the now. Hope that there will BE a future where the times of being so terribly alone were a half remembered nightmare...a dream of times past and best left in the dust. It is for this I've seen guys become capable of throwing themselves into battle against God and all his angels to protect and keep it...no matter that something had gone horribly, horribly wrong. I mean, after all, it was the fangirl who, at one time, made him feel all of those things. More, made the fanboy feel, for the possibly the first time, like a man should...like he was the man he could always be; like he could be the man for his woman. How could this have possibly happened?

I know, I'm talking around it...bear with me a moment.

What I'm talking about is when the fangirl, maybe purposely, maybe not so purposely actually begins to find your very presence anathema to hers in ways that made the girls who used to avoid you like the plague look like close and dear friends. It manifests itself in a variety of ways. Most commonly (in this extremely uncommon scenario) you may find your girl, once so enthusiastic about kissing you or being held by you, constantly pulls away. Even in private you can practically feel her trying to get away from you. How could this be, you might wonder? I mean, this is the girl who loves you, who made you believe you could be loved...that you were WORTH being loved. She made you BELIEVE it...no, she made you KNOW it. Yet now your presence...your touch is a bother...repulsive even. You actually make her physically ill, when before you know you felt from her nothing but want. You KNOW she wanted you, it wasn't made up, it was really there! I know, it doesn't make sense, but that is the reality you are presented with. After a short while, if you've not done something about what's been going on, you could very well find the girl has developed a passive aggressive response to you. Such responses can take on several forms, like you kiss her or something and she actually breaks out in a temporary rash, but probably the most heartbreaking is when it HURTS when you touch her. Should this most unlikely of events occur, you'll find your faintest touch or embrace will actually cause her physical pain, to the point you can't even get near her. You won't be able to figure this out at first. You'll wind up testing yourself out on say a cute puppy or kitty with the same amount of force, and all you get is gnawed on for trying play with it. Go ahead and play with it, it'll take the edge off as the slow sick dawning realization creeps in. Honestly, don't even try to look for it in advance. You won't be aware of it until something about the situation causes reality to smack you in the face, and you face the dawning realization that the girl who made you feel so special, now can't stand to breath the same air as you.

If you wind up being one of the unlucky sons of bitches to be faced with this, first off, know that cold creeping sickening sensation that works its way through your whole body to the point you can't even remember where it actually started is perfectly normal under the circumstances. Several things will occur to you in no particular order. You will find yourself taking stock of your entire relationship, and pinpointing the early warning signs, a little thing here, a small thing there, 'til finally you're so deep in the shit you can't remember what the sun used to look like. You'll not really wonder if there's something wrong with you, I mean, again...you're a fanboy. But wait...she's a fangirl, right? The logic isn't the same anymore, is it? So, you really DO begin wondering if there's something else seriously fundamentally wrong with you. Then you'll start wondering if it was something you said or did, which is quite common in any scenario, but in this one it becomes something far more scrutinized given the profound nature of what you'll be dealing with. You'll find yourself wondering if everything you ever felt or lived through with the girl, all the good times, were simply a complex illusion. It's a delusion you are justifiably scared you concocted for your own personal benefit because in your heart of hearts you know you're capable of it. Somewhere during this time you'll have this creeping odd feeling that it might not be your fault, that the fangirl somewhere along the line developed this on her own. Once that thought gains the cycles to be fully computed, the next question will be, “Well, why didn't she just get rid of me? Why did she let it get this, whatever it was, so bad, to the point it made her sick?”

You know something, this is the reason I've spent so much time on this one final bit. It's far far easier for the fanboy to have this happen than other guys, because of the fanboy's ability to love something with such obsession. It's worse still for the fanboy, because of the usual lack of experience until later in life. It's still pretty rare, but should it happen, one must understand, in the end, you will never know why. You will become that thing she cannot stand, and you will just have to deal with that knowledge. You see, there may well be a reason, but you'll never know it. She'll never be able to explain it to you, and you'll just have to deal with the idea the person you love most in the world cannot stand you. She made you feel special, and you're pretty sure you did the same, but something very bad happened, and now your presence causes harm to the one you most wish to keep from harm. So here's what will have to happen next: You will finally sit down with your beloved fangirl, God she'll be beautiful, and you will lay it out. You will be more tired than any time in your life. You will not even hate or be angry with her, that may or may not come even several weeks later. You'll both cry your hearts out, but in the end, that sick feeling will return when you detect the faintest hints of relief in her that it's finally over. Oddly though, you'll be relieved too, though it will take a few weeks. I'd certainly recommend that if you find yourself here, that you give as strong a warning as possible to both her and her family that this girl is sick, and probably needs some professional help. People don't do this to themselves without causing serious damage, and it will need to be addressed. She may not take your advice, but at this point, simply giving it is the final thing you'll ever truly be able to do for her. You'll have to learn to live with that too.

In the end, should, for whatever reason, a breakup have or need to occur, it IS survivable. It'll hurt worse than any pain you can imagine, but it will fade in time. You are not special; breakups happen every day of the fucking week. Just because you were both the kind of people you were, does not mean that you are any less immune, though perhaps it does mean that the pain is far worse than for someone who doesn't usually love as intensely as the fanboy and fangirl is capable of. You cannot fear the loneliness that comes from breaking it off when the alternative is pushing things to the point of putting yourself and another in a situation that can get so screwed up that your every waking moment is Hell unimaginable. This is not to say at first sign of a problem that you cut and run, far from it. All couples have their problems...it's inevitable when two egos try to live together like that. The idea is that when you identify a problem you DEAL with it as quickly and efficiently as possible. Communication, trust, and action cannot be understated, but through it all a desire to be with the other person is paramount. Don't even try the rest if love isn't there to begin with or has fallen by the wayside, or nothing at all will work. Remember too, that love is a two way street...one person cannot love enough for two. And should it end, as I said, it is survivable, but more, life will go on. You're going to hate hearing this, but you found a girl once, you can do it again. More than that, only a few years ago the very idea that a fanboy could find a girl for himself was sort of like spotting the fifty foot shark. Everyone knew it was out there, but seeing one was nearly uncomfirmable. Now, they're everywhere. Not only are there other fish in the ocean, they've now been made available to you in an abundance that does not preclude finding another, at least not nearly to the extent it used to be. Finally, whatever you do, don't do something stupid on the account of breaking up with your girl. Getting blitzed, being depressed, going away for awhile, changing your hair color, things like that are typical and don't really hurt anyone. When you start thinking of doing things that harm yourself or others...you've taken it to a place that it has no business going. It's not worth that, trust me, there's no one worth going on a killing spree over just because you're not with them anymore, and the same for killing yourself. That's just bullshit, and proves what everyone thought of you back when you were in high school...that you really are a loser. We all know that's not true, so don't act like one. You survived years around those human carbon sinks you were forced to associate with high school and college...you're powerful enough not just survive, but LIVE through this.

Look upon your fangirl and know that she is probably the greatest of all creation's wonders. May your life with her be filled with excitement, wonder, and contentment. However, if it doesn't work out, don't try to keep it on life support or you'll wind up putting her and yourself in a very bad place. Communication is the key, but love is the way. You have to work to keep love, but be ruthless in ending things if its gone. It's the difference between a moment of pain and an eternity of ache, and will be better for both of you in the long run should it be necessary.

Good luck out there with your fangirl. Hold her close for as long as you can. You never know what the future might hold.