A succubus is both an interesting and beautiful creature, but they can also be quite hazardous. Among lonely fantasy story loving men, typically, they are only second in popularity to a catgirl. They reasons for which are quite obvious to all, but the most obtuse. They have bodies that redefine perfection; coming in shapes and sizes to fit any and all preferences, not to mention an insatiable need for sex, and often a giving and loving nature no matter what you might look like. They are the perfect fantasy come to life; how could they not be desirable? For this, they are highly sought after; however, there are pitfalls associated with a succubus that could take a man unawares, often fatally so, should he not first prepare himself as previously noted. It is here in this guide the education that will ensure both your survival and your happiness with the succubus will begin. Keep in mind, it will only be a beginning. This is not the end all, be all resource for your succubus needs, and you will need to seek those other sources out. There are books, there are demons of knowledge, there are instructional videos, testimony from various men who've managed to acquire one, and most importantly the succubus herself will tell you a great deal, not just about what she is, but WHO she is...and you'll find this invaluable. For various reasons, I cannot list too many specific sources in this text, but an internet search should put you on the right track. You should at least look into consulting all of the mentioned references during your time with the girl, which could very well be the rest of your life...let's hope it will be a long one. We've all got to start somewhere, though, and first you actually have to get one, or at least be thinking of getting one...assuming one hasn't already gotten you.

This is not a demon summoning guide, so you won't find out HOW to get one via this text. You can find those at your local occult book shop or library fairly easily. If you're curious about the reasons to find your very own succubus, and many are, oddly enough, you may find the next bit enlightening. Don't worry about how pathetic you are, believe me, you're not alone, as you will see shortly. If, on the other hand, you just plain flat out don't give a shit about the whys, for whatever reason, then skip on to the next section entitled 'Basic Information.'

Among the most popular reasons to date is that you've decided that mortal terrestrial girls, in general, hate your guts and that you will never EVER get a girl to even smile at you nicely, much less any of that OTHER stuff I know you must be dying to do. I know, believe me, I know what you're going through. Though it is a good fantasy, you know that stories like "Tenchi Muyo" and its derivative works, or other shows such as "Ai Yori Aoshi" and "Ah Megami Sama!" will never...EVER happen to you, or ANY other motherfucker in your position. This is not to say that you cannot find a cute and cuddly geek or fangirl of your own, but as most of us have figured out, even with their dramatic increase in numbers recently, often companionship still eludes us for one reason or another. It's no wonder so many have given up, and are now looking for alternatives. I won't go into any of the reasons mortal girls remain out of reach, but I'm sure several of you have already had several of the scenerios shoved down your throat, and most of the rest have a pretty good idea of what's going on, but don't quite have the words for it. For those final few who still don't get it, I recommend the book, "Nice Guys Don't Get Laid" by Marcus P. Meleton, Jr. in order to identify these problems, and recommend solutions. Having assumed that the solutions cannot be applied to the readers of this document, we're not going to discuss that painful topic any futher. Regardless, you've had it, but there's still that nagging need for companionship of a lovely lady that hits you oh...once every three or four seconds. Something has to be done, and the Bunny Ranch is too far away, too expensive, and most importantly, too temporary.

Perhaps you've decided that mortal terrestrial girls are not for you; or that you're curious about alternatives out there, but don't feel like talking to your neighbor, "Bubba," who just got out of prison. I certainly don't blame you, though I hear Yaoi is one way to attract the fangirl, though I'm not sure I can, in all conscious, recommend this course of action.

Or maybe you've already come across the type of female creature that this text covers, and feel some sort of responsibility to her, having taken her home, but understand the dangers of partaking of the dark and delicious fruits she willingly offers you. Just to clarify, it IS too good to be true...without proper management, which is what this text will enable you to do; unless of course you want to DIE fucking right this very moment. Yes, now would be a DAMN good time to stop her mid bob and read the rest of this.

Before continuing, you may want to figure out what type of succubus you wish to acquire, or have already acquired. There are several different variations on physical appearance ranging from your garden variety ones with the horns on the head and batwings on the back, to some who look like a lovely humanoid cat (not quite a catbabe in the traditional sense, but very close in appearance.) If you're looking for a full text, on which is which, you might want to summon up a Demon of Knowledge first and barter for the manual. Again, summoning texts are located at your local library, book store, and occult shop. I have it on good authority that the going rate for "The Succubi Identification Guide," (well illustrated, easy to understand, fully comprehensive, and translated into every mortal language) is $5.00 and a dead cat on a subway sandwich bread with mayo...better be fresh cat too, or they will BITCH like you wouldn't believe. This would be a great use for that old biddy's tabby that keeps clawing your window at midnight. As your first primary resource, the ident guide is one of the best resources available, but, to be honest, it does take a significant investment in time and effort to summon a Demon of Knowledge. There are several alternatives that can be found on the internet, but even with your favorite search engine, you will have to do some digging. If you already have a succubus, you can chance asking them questions, but at this point it might be a good time to point out they're what some would call 'evil' so lying will not be outside the realms of possibility, at least until you get to know them better. This text will, unfortunately, not include any part of the ident guide on pain of eternal torture in the bowels of the lake of the damned...they take copyright protection seriously down there. I highly recommend the guide's acquisition, as each type of succubus has their own nature which will differ from other types. For example, some naturally have no interest in companionship with a human, and will just suck you dry and be done with you. You probably don't want to receive one of these by mistake or, if you already have one, might want to distance yourself from her as soon as possible...assuming you're not already dead and beyond caring by this point.

On the subject of their nature, it is imperative to understand, that each and every succubus is also an individual, complete with her own personal quirks, much as any sentient being has. You'll have to learn to deal with those, too. Cheer up! Getting to know your succubus is great fun, and part of what it's all about.

There are two basic traits shared by all succubi, that will ensure that you have indeed acquired such a being instead of some other type of female demon which will do mostly unpleasant things to you. Trust me...they hurt. The aforementioned traits are the very same ones that you will need to monitor to stay alive long enough to learn everything else you'll need to learn to properly care for your succubus. This is most important in order to keep her happy enough during the learning process so she doesn't just kill you and be done with you. These traits are as follows: An impossibly gorgeous (by human standards) body and the drainage of soul/life force energy.

To truly understand and care for this demon, perhaps we should begin with: Just what IS a succubus? To tell the truth, this answer has several different variations in myth and legend. I’d say ask your succubus the actual answer, but this is a bit of a sore point with them for some strange reason. At the very least you’ll be forced into several contorted positions during sex for asking, so DON’T chance this unless you’re as flexible as Van Damme. And you know you’re not, so take this warning to heart...if she hasn’t ripped it out yet.

Dictionary.com defines a Succubus as follows:

suc·cu·bus ( P ) Pronunciation Key (sky-bs) also suc·cu·ba (-b)
n. pl. suc·cu·bus·es or suc·cu·bi (-b, -b) also suc·cu·bae (-b, -b)
A female demon supposed to descend upon and have sexual intercourse with a man while he sleeps.
An evil spirit; a demon.
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[Middle English, from Medieval Latin, alteration (influenced by Late Latin incubus, incubus), of Latin succuba, paramour from succubre, to lie under : sub-, sub- + cubre, to lie down.]

You’ll note your succubus, if you already have her, will probably blush when you mention the story of intercourse with a man while they sleep. That has to do with the fact that most of the men back in the day they were 'hunting,' where monks and the like. Rumor has it, that there was a bet they had with the Lord of Darkness concerning how many men of the clergy they could corrupt in a century, but details are somewhat sketchy. Every version of this story does agree the big D lost this one. From what has been surmised by several who have a succubus, the succubi don’t really consider this the shining point of their existence as it’s a matter of professional pride. The succubi are of the opinion that the various members of the clergy should have been awake and screaming (or at least moaning) when they went on their corruption spree. Regardless, it is known that any mention of this fable typically results in the rare site of a succubus blushing. If you have a relatively sedate succubus, it’s a good-natured way to tease them...just be prepared for her jumping your bones right after.

Several legends indicate the original Succubus was actually Adam’s first wife, Lilith. Thanks to a bit of revisionist history concerning the Bible, it is unlikely you’ll hear about this lady outside of the Hebrew faith, the Diablo video games, and some RPG sourcebooks. At the time of creation of man and woman, our cute little demon to be was made to be Adam’s mate from the same stuff he was...well, the source was different. He was dust, she was silt and sediment...in the end it’s all the same, so the bias towards Lilith for her creation makes little sense to this author.

Lilith refused to be the submissive partner in the relationship; considering herself equal to Adam...and that they were to have sex as they lay on their sides. Don’t worry, with the current penchant for all sorts of positions; you’ll not have the crick in your hips from doing it all the time in that position. Besides, generally you’re going to be rolling all over the place, so it’s really not much of an issue.

Adam wouldn’t stand for this, not that he could stand after doing it in that position. Regardless, he went about trying to physically force her to his will, which she fought and ran away from (and these were the guys who hadn’t eaten of the Tree of Good and Evil?) Adam complained, and so God sent a few Angels to see what was up.

They found Lilith around the area of the Red Sea where a few of the Fallen and quite a number of demons from elsewhere (such as Cthulu, Uriel, and Bill Gates) had set up a kind of base camp which was actually the tail end of a bender that had lasted a couple million years. There she became the party girl of choice, and bore children to them like a tree bears fruit...if that tree were given magical growth hormone and was several times the size of the Earth-Luna planetary system. These children were known as the Lilim, quite a number of whom where succubi and incubi. An incubus is the male version of succubi, and will not be discussed in any detail in this text.

This next part varies greatly in specifics, but generally there appeared to be a major argument concerning what she was doing between her, God, the Angels, etc, etc. In the end, she flipped God the bird and declared that God was not to whom she bore allegiance to any longer. As an extra added bonus, her and her progeny would do everything in their power to take revenge for how Adam, and by extension men, treated her.

Thanks a lot, Adam; nice guys all over now have to deal with the repercussions of your jerkdom. Shit, it was business as usual even in the beginning for the typical nice guy having to live with how the typical jerk treats women. Let's all remember to give that fucker a fat lip when we get to Hell.

Another legend concerning the origin of Succubi indicates that their mothers were originally Dryads, Nymphs, and other Fae creatures. The idea here was that they looked upon the sons of man and found that they liked what they saw. Liked it a lot. So, they figured that the sons of man would make excellent fathers for their children; also imparting to them a human soul...why this was so important is ambiguous.

What in reality happened was that the sons of man either endangered or lost their human souls during the mating. Why this happened is not entirely clear, but this may be a large reason why there are very few corporeal gods left, if this was an edict of theirs. There is only so far you can push that sort of tyranny before you start pissing people off, which, at the time of this writing, makes me wonder how long it will be before members of the RIAA wind up getting shot.

The children were then born...incomplete, and requiring fresh infusions of soul to keep them alive. Given their Fae parents proclivities and large amounts of energy that were made available during fuckin’, it’s logical to assume they eventually evolved to solely extract the required life energy in wild tantric bouts of carnal lust. Thus, we are now given the modern succubus.

There are a few more origin stories here and there, but most all of them seem to agree, the first ones were hybrids of humans with some otherworldly organism, either magical or demonic. Obviously over the millennia, they’ve changed a bit, having grown a bit more numerous in both shear numbers and in variation as they evolved and interbred with both human, demon, and possibly alien life forms, but confirmation on that last has yet to be received. This results in several thousand types of which all are listed in that manual you should have gotten (hint, hint, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more) that can satisfy any and all aesthetic and sexual fantasies you might have.

Wait a minute? Did I say 'Energy Drain' up there?! Yes, that's right you horny bastards, your succubus will or is probably right now draining your energy if you already have her. Yes, that's WHY you feel pretty weak right now. Distract her with video games ‘til you're done reading; they generally love those. It is imperative you understand that your succubus will see you as her primary food supply. Unlike a vampire, who drains blood, your succubus will drain your living energy away from you. A succubus takes her energy by sexual means. So for her, sex is not just a pleasurable activity; it's vital to her survival. This is the primary reason she looks so damn GOOD. How does it feel to be on a lower rung of the food chain, eh? Oh right...business as usual for you guys. Her looks, however, also pose another problem that will be discussed next section. Every last bit of her is, to one degree or another, geared toward the acquisition of sex, and thus what she needs to stay alive. Some believe what they really drain is your soul, thus corrupting its purity. Some people don't believe there's a difference between living energy and a soul thus you're soul has become little more than succubus food, and you cease to exist or you've been converted into some other form of energy that eventually is expelled from the succubus as some sort of bled off waste product; meaning yes, your soul turns to shit. Regardless of what you believe to be happening (your succubus probably won't tell you if you ask for fear of scaring you) you will notice yourself growing weaker as she fucks you like you've never been fucked before; pun so very intended. The trick is, surviving to keep her satisfied so you can do it again and again, and you will want to.

It IS survivable, if she doesn't take too much. In order to accomplish this objective, you have to keep yourself in tip top condition; eating the right foods, exercising fanatically, and taking vitamins. It is also recommend taking an energy-based form of martial arts like Kung-fu, Capoeira, or Tai-Chi. Trust me, if you don't, her feeding will do more than make you feel like you had a pretty good workout. Your death will be slow and painful rather than quick and sharp; making you one of the funnier entries into the Darwin Awards. If you have a succubus now, get into shape as soon as possible. If you don't, get there before you do. Trust me...it'll hurt less for you in the long run, and keep your succubus nice and fit so she won't just suck you dry and go looking elsewhere for her meals.

You'll probably note that your succubus will have a large 'appetite,' but if you keep her happy, she'll restrain herself and allow you to recover fully between bouts. You might be wondering about that, and you'd be right to do so. After all, if she's always ready for more, is she really getting enough to eat? It's a sad truth that we mortal men can never fully quench the hunger burning inside a succubus. They can eat a LOT more than we can produce. Consequently, while they aren't starving exactly, they don't have much in the way of stored energy. This means they will often exist in a lower power state than what they conceivably could. If your succubus loves you, or at least likes you, she will be content to snack on you through the day and be happy she has such a constant source of food. However, you might be wondering if there is nothing you can do to give her just a bit more. Well my good fanboy, there ARE alternatives:

1. Share her with your friends. Now keep in mind, a succubus generally won't think twice about this, but you better ask her thoughts on this subject before you give her away for free sex. They may need it to survive, but they'll be the first to tell you, that doesn't make them sex toys for mortals. Offending one in THAT manner is a perfect way to find out what really happens when she drains someone dry. Make sure you lay the ground rules about not killing your friends...unless, you WANT to get rid of them. Typically the succubus will be very happy to help you, their moral value system is what we’d call ‘evil’ after all. If you don't want to waste them, there is the fact that things might get weird between you and your friends, and that you might not appreciate the fact that she's sleeping around on you, even though it is imperative to her survival. Grow the fuck up...you knew what you were getting into when you decided on keeping one, but that will be on you, in the end. You'll suffer whatever consequences you suffer soon enough. At least you're getting laid by a girl who's as devoted to you as her kind can be, which can be surprisingly quite possessive if she comes to love you.

2. Learn to use the Force. Most have no idea where to begin, and this guide only mentions it as a possibility, but if you can master a few basic Force skills, you can channel all the ambient life energy she can handle through yourself and into her during your boning session. It'll be of the light side, given the nature of what you're doing, but I guarantee, she won't mind. The advantage to this is that you'll have a succubus who'll be, for once in her life, extremely well fed. She won't need to sleep around, and she'll never leave if you keep her happy. The downside is that it's near impossible to learn to use the Force if you're not born to it. If you make this your primary option, odds are you'll wind up mummified worm food. You might want to consider other alternatives, my young wannabe Padawan. You don't want to be fucked in the wrong way.

3. Become a Z fighter. Now, this is both harder and easier than you might think. Easier in that, this particular goal IS actually conceivably achievable by everyone. Harder in that no one has EVER gotten to the point of being able to generate enough personal power to channel enough energy needed to sustain a succubus in anything short of a lifetime of training. Sorry folks, we don't have gravity chambers or Time/Space training rooms, and there are no super saiyans around to save your human ass...you're on your own. You might want to ask the Demon of Knowledge you summon (if you took the time to do this) about anyplace you can train, how to get there near immediately, who you can ask, what it will take, etc, but be prepared to pay whatever price he asks. That sort of thing is up to them, but do not agree if he asks for your firstborn, or your succubus will tear your head off...unless, she's on good terms with this demon and approves of the apprenticeship. You may also want to confer with your succubus, if you've been with her for awhile and trust her. She may well be able to gather this information for you if she doesn't already know it. In any event, if you achieve a level of power of around a couple hundred, in Dragon Ball Z terms, you'll be able to produce enough personal power to keep your succubus well fed in a manner similar to Force users. It will still take a significant investment of time. If time is of the essence, better look for another alternative.

4. Bind her with a short-term contract after you summon or find her. Some don't mind these, some do. ASK BEFORE YOU NEGOTIATE, because if she takes offense, she WILL find a way to make your life AND afterlife a living Hell. It'll save your life, and keep her from killing you over a long term. On the other hand, if you get attached to her you better remember to renegotiate, cause it's a bitch to find them after their term of service is done. Also make sure you remember to put in a clause that states she can't kill you or any other form of revenge after the term is done...they've been known to do this if they come to despise you.

5. This is a little known method...so little known that its existence is suspect, but I expect you can ask your succubus about it: Share your soul with her. The upside of this is that she will become as mortal as you are, and will be bound to you until you both die. Specifically, she will be bound to your life...if you die, she dies. The only exception is if she's carrying a child, and then she lives only until the child is born. You will have a loving and caring, extraordinarily gorgeous, mate who will never leave you. The downside of this is that if either of you cheat on the other your succubus will meet a most dreadful end. You are bound to each other in a way that makes soul mates envy your closeness. You betray that, you've shattered what you’re sharing with her...well, your succubus IS shattered at that point. It's not pretty to watch someone cease to exist, but her extinction takes even that to an extreme rarely seen in nature. It’s the most profound pain a being can experience, all that’s left afterwards is ash. Warning: Be VERY sure this is what you both want. There is no getting out of this once you've started. Keep in mind this method is suspect, so it may be moot. Warning 2: If you do betray her, and she does cease to exist, you have just marked yourself for some very bad times by the infernal hordes that are her family and friends. They’ll have stuff waiting for you that will take the rest of eternity to kill you, and you’ll be screaming for mercy in the first two seconds. And then you get to answer to the OTHER side for causing the universal distortion that happens when things cease to be. Corollary: Warning 2 is just informative, as we all know, because you know you’ll NEVER have the opportunity to betray her...after all, that’s kinda why you’re keeping her, isn’t it?

Now it’s time to learn a bit on how to keep your succubus happy, to provide for her other needs, and to protect her...and she will need protection, believe it or not.

Succubi are sentient beings. Each one is an individual with thoughts, feelings, and ambitions of their own. Just to be clear, and this is very important, so burn it into your grey matter, they are not engines of pure evil; demonic energy constructs acting only on preprogrammed direction. No, they are quite capable of choosing their own behaviors and actions, though they have their own nature they must ascribe to, just like humans and other species of life. That nature IS what most would call ‘evil.’ However; if they were pure evil, like some think they are, they’d not be able to return or give affection and even love which they are very capable of; frighteningly so. Succubi in general are very possessive of what they get attached to. As a side note, if she’s never been around a human before, you’re going to have fun explaining your appreciation cosplay and pr0n to her. Don’t worry; often they’ll develop the same appreciation, so it’s all good. Continuing, if they come to love you; there is little they won’t do for you. DO NOT take undue advantage of this, or you may wind up missing parts of your anatomy when she gets pissed enough. The problem is that there are things you’d think are not abusing her trust that she might very well get hurt by, and there are things that you’d think would abuse her love for you, that she wouldn’t mind at all...in fact would have suggested it before hand had she known you’d think that way. It’s important to make clear with her that all questions and objections, no matter how absurd or small they may sound, should be communicated immediately...for BOTH sides. In reality you’re not taking on a pet, you’re taking on a partner who, while similar to a human, is VERY different in many other respects. Misunderstandings in this case could turn fatal, or worse. For the most part just remember to treat her right, and you won’t be treated to the site of her ripping your testicles off your body as she devours your soul. Believe me, you DON’T want to know how she’ll do that...the ripping of the testicles, that is.

Your succubus will most likely be far smarter or at least more knowledgeable than you are. If you’re looking at a career in the use of magick or something similar, for example, your succubus would be an excellent assistant/familiar for use in your lab. She can teach you things you’ve never dreamed of, and if you’re any good, together you can expand upon the knowledge of the arcane in ways that a human or demonic wizard could never do alone...at least in their lifetime. Or if you’re a simple college student, their knowledge of mathematics and chemistry can help you get out of a bind. I would recommend that you DO NOT use them to cheat, you slackers. While I doubt they’d care, when you fail your tests and flunk out, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Succubi, by nature, are almost never alone, unless they're the type that feeds and kills by nature. As such, most grow to have a dependency on being around others all the time...and will suffer from loneliness far easier than most humans. Actually, by human standards they are damn near Autophobic, (that’s fear of being alone if you couldn’t gather that from the previous sentences) which is actually often a matter of survival for them. If they are forced to stay alone for too long and they can’t find someone to feed on, they’ll start to die. Considering they’re most likely existing at a lower power state than they could, this is usually a very real threat to them. And no, getting them a cat is NOT an acceptable solution.

Coupled with their great knowledge and the need for companionship, you’ll find they have another slight psychosis: They generally get bored really easy. This may not seem like a major problem...after all, humans generally spend hours at a time in utter boredom. However, in their case, you simply leave them alone in your apartment for a couple hours, and you might find all your furniture chewed up and strange things conjured up in the neighborhood. Constructive creativity is, oddly, not one of their strong points for the most part.

So, what to do? There are a number of alternatives. For example, if you’re in college, you can get them enrolled. Don't worry too much about tuition; when you explain the situation to them, often they’ll see what they can do to help you out. The subjects in college will likely be no challenge for them so be prepared for them to change their schedule often, and make time in your own schedule to visit them during the day as they will...heheh...miss you. If you work, you can also see about getting them a job in your work area. Just make your employer aware of what they’re hiring and her ‘special’ needs that you’ll have to fulfill from time to time. Should this prove untenable you might want to consider a career change to something that would be rewarding to you both, such as world domination or evil overlord. The latter is recommended as the former, even if successful, generally carries with it extreme responsibility which takes time away from succubus cuddling. This is the very definition of a bad thing.

There are also some dangers in keeping a succubus around; aside from the fact she’s constantly sucking you dry, in every way you can imagine. These range from the absurd to perhaps needing some extra firepower to keep both you and her safe. Just to be clear about the extra firepower needed: You might want to invest in a few several megaton solutions, a couple of nuclear level weapons, as well as the standard compliment of energy beams and other instruments of bloody stabity death. Planet killers are not recommended as you are typically standing on said planet, and cannot breath in a vacuum like Frieza.

An example of the absurd: When doing your succubus from behind, and she has horns...WATCH THE HORNS! In fact...grab and hold. It’s for your own safety. Stabity horns and soft eyes do not mix. Sure she can whip up a healing potion right quick, and will be extremely apologetic, but getting your eye put out, even if only briefly, hurts like Hell. Succubi, by nature, have all sorts of natural weapons, such as fangs, spines, and greatly enhanced strength (by human standards.) Keep these in mind when you’re lovingly ravishing your demonic cutie. Just use your common sense when dealing with things of that nature and you’ll avoid the worst of problems; barring accident, incident, or brain fart. Remember: There are far worse things to worry about.

An example of the need for firepower: Your new lady friend IS a succubus. Most can pass for a human, and if they’ve been to the human world before, are well adept at disguising their appearance. As I said above, their appearance can become a liability for you (and her) at times. I know you might not think anything of it and I know she’s incredibly good looking to you, but imagine if you were just a guy walking down the road and spotted something like her after you just finished getting your ass handed to you in an intense game of Diablo 2? Or worse than some maniacal dork trying to take shots at her with a crossbow from afar. Sure, this won’t do a damn thing to her but piss her off, and it's rather amusing to watch as she tears him apart, but this does attract attention. The wrong kind of attention, like the local clergy. They'll know immediately what she is, and decide to get themselves, and their sheeple, off their self-righteous asses and do the burn-at-the-stake thing. True, you likely will be able to introduce them to the wonders of the Metal Storm gun and plastique explosives or whatever arcane powers you’ve learned to develop, but we both know that materials for those are expensive. Worse, those folks always do their thing at midnight, and you know who you’d RATHER be doing then, don’t you?

There are also the guys that try to hit on your newly acquired girlfriend. I’m sure you know the type...all of them. Most, she’ll probably ignore unless she’s feeling peckish, and/or you’ve given your blessing (you won’t see them again.) You might actually see one of your fellow geeks trying to hit on her. This will be the most depressing and sickening thing you will ever see, as they will be as pathetic as you used to be. You might find yourself taking pity on them and pass along this guide. This is a good thing, don’t worry. To share dark and forbidden knowledge carries its own reward. The ones you really have to watch for are the big burly jock types, the kind that used to toss you into lockers in school. While letting her rend the flesh from their bones is amusing when they threaten you, and does provide raw materials for zombie building, let’s not forget, for some reason, THAT tends to draw attention to you from the more secular authorities far faster than eliminating the morons mentioned before. This is, of course, why you’ve gathered all these weapons of mass death and destruction, but we all know killing the self-proclaimed legions of order is time consuming, and may even endanger yourself and your succubus’ life. In order to get the most out of your succubus (or your succubus to get the most out of you by her perspective) it will be necessary to have her learn to disguise her appearance and pass for a relatively attractive human. Also, learn to unobtrusively remove someone. Killing them is messy, so keep in mind there are fates worse than death you can visit on them, but don't actually kill them. If you know what you’re doing these can be quite undetectable by said secular authorities. Using one of the less than lethal methods also means you probably won’t have to worry about anyone but the occasional passing do-gooder mage or cleric.

Here’s an interesting fact: did you know that you can, if you haven’t already gathered from the above, knock your succubus up? Yup, no joke. Fortunately it’s a matter of choice with them. They actually have to put themselves in the right biological mode for procreation; the methods vary. This was a necessary evolution for your kawaii evil demoness. After all, considering what they have to do to survive, in this case YOU, if they couldn’t control it, they’d overpopulate hunt out the prey (demon, mortal, and you don’t even want to know what else) within a matter of centuries. The fact the fathers of their children are also their primary food source leads them to some very odd psychosis that would have them in therapy for centuries if not for the fact they are already well adjusted and evil.

So, if you two want, you can start a family with her. Marriage is entirely optional, but she might have some strange points of view concerning the institution thereof. Like any human woman, discuss this in depth with her. Just be prepared for her point of view on the subject to be nothing like a human woman’s or even a human’s. It’ll be one of the more interesting conversations of your life, I assure you. Your mother might have something to say on the subject of you preparing to have children with your succubus if she’s not already said something about the fact you’re dating one of the infernal hordes. This could cause serious problems if your family is a bit religious (see the above for problems with religious fanatics). You’ll have to solve your own moral and ethical dilemma there, but do it before cousin Bob puts a few pounds of lead into your gut and solves it for you. Oddly enough, this generally slacks off when your child is born. Making your mother a grandmother often mellows them out. Just be prepared for the doting and fawning.

On that note, keep in mind your child will be a hybrid of sorts. Technically all succubi are hybrids of one form or another, but at first your child will look, act, and have needs that are completely human in nature. They’ll eat normal food, and do what babies generally do with it. Bet you thought you were getting out of changing diapers; no such luck! It’s not until the onset of puberty that their demonic natures and forms come raging to the surface. Most of the time it’s a truly succubus (or incubus if you had a boy) nature. Your child will probably be considered something of a slut at school, and you both might have to have a talk with her about it. As for you, I suggest you live with the fact your daughter is going to be having sex at a ‘young’ age. It’s in her nature and for her very survival. At least she has no chance of getting pregnant or acquiring an exotic disease...in this manner having sex with a succubus is some of the safest around. An incubus child will likely be the same way; be prepared to run interference for him as several angry fathers might wind up trying to kill him. This would be a good time to teach him things like: “How to sneak into your girlfriend’s room without waking her parents up.” And “How to do it with your girlfriend without getting caught.” You know, survival tactics. Hmm...then again you may want one of your other family members to teach him that, since these were the very same behaviors you never had a chance to develop. Fortunately, if you have a succubus, you won’t have to worry about her developing a father complex of any sort, as your mate will make it quite clear to your daughter that to mess with her man meat is to court death. This may seem harsh, but you have to consider that your daughter WILL be a demon. The method by which you raise them will be somewhat different than raising a human child.

Sometimes though, your child will be something else. This doesn’t happen often, as the succubus genes are magically dominant; though, sometimes something happens which changes the status quo and makes what basically amounts to a human with infernal powers. Your child could be a human that can use his own internal energies to channel Hell’s energies. Some can live off both human food and the energy that a succubus needs to survive. Some turn into true energy vampires and can take the energy from people without having to have sex while doing it. These are extremely rare, and are actually quite sought after by Hell’s Armies. The ‘Death Touch’ is a highly prized commodity, and your child will be well compensated for their services. The most interesting case that had been recorded was by a human who had the natural ability to channel and use all manner of energy in the electromagnetic spectrum. This guy figured he was strong enough to take over Hell, and did a damn good job of it, until he got it into his fool head to attempt to absorb antimatter. The resulting explosion pasted himself and most of his army into a nearby mountain range. Cleanup continues to this very day. An extreme example to be sure, but it is a very small risk you and your succubus will be taking if you decide to have kids.

I know what you're thinking: Oh my fucking GOD! WHAT ABOUT DEATH AND MY SUCCUBUS?! Other than the horrible life sucking death she’ll be inflicting on you should you fail to live up to her standards, there is one more problem concerning your succubus that you will have to consider if you and her decide on a more...permanent arrangement. You are mortal. She is not. This is not to say she cannot die, but it takes something to kill her; where as you are killed simply by the slow...interminable...ticking of seconds...as your life slowly drains away as you...play...Disgaea. Of course, everyone’s survival rate drops to zero on a long enough timeline, but it could very well be the end of all things before it’s her time to go. Which means when you up and cack one day, she’ll be without anyone to take care of her. For most, this is business as usual...they’ll grieve and move on. If it’s their first time for such a thing, the results could be...somewhat catastrophic if they’re not prepared in advance for it. Often they’ll go on a self-destructive binge of death and mayhem ‘til something or someone finally takes them out, or brings them under control. This could hurt or cause permanent damage to the poor girl. I shit you not, at this point, you’ll be so in love with the girl, that the mere thought your loss could cause her undo pain. This will likely trouble you to no end, and you'll probably will want to do something about it. Good on you! Well, again, there are alternatives.

1. Become immortal. There are several methods by which to do this; ranging from alchemy, finding certain artifacts, training yourself up to be able to sustain your existence with powerful energies, to bargaining with the demonic forces of Hell. I don’t recommend using your soul as the bargaining chip for that last one, as your succubus will show you extreme displeasure at messing with her property...pain will be the least of your concerns. If you manage to become immortal, you’ll be able to stay with your lovely lady for all eternity. You see, you'll find when you die, and become a disembodied spirit, it will be impossible to provide her with the type of energy she needs, the way she needs it, even if you wind up in Hell. The biggest problem with being immortal, is that we humans are not built for it. We’re born to die. We might be afraid of it...we try to avoid it as much as we can, but we know it in our very souls this flesh is not supposed to be forever. It takes a strong will, or a fundamental change in perception (drugs are optional, but not recommended) to keep from going completely and totally batty...to keep the innate knowledge that we are not supposed to be here from tearing us apart after a few centuries. Immortality is not all it’s cracked up to be. You’ll also be living with whatever mistakes you make for a very long time after you make them; the past will often come back to haunt you.

2. Ensure she’ll have someone to take care of her, after you’re gone. You should do this with her full knowledge of what you are doing, so she can help you in the selection process. This might be too difficult for the both of you while you’re still alive, but these are the tough questions you signed up to solve when you both started this. To do otherwise would be far worse for the girl than selecting your replacement. This can get difficult, as it can be very hard to trust someone to watch over something you love more than yourself...and she may very well not be able to see that in someone else as long as you are alive. Feels good to finally be loved, don’t it? The downside of that now becomes apparent...there is always a downside, even to something as utterly wonderful as this.

3. Place a sympathetic death curse on her. This means that if you die...she dies, and vice versa. I don’t recommend this course of action unless this is something you both decide upon, and have considered what the powers that be will let you do after you both die. She is what they call ‘evil’ you know, and unless you’ve taken appropriate measures, you both might wind up in Hell separated and burning for all eternity. Or only one of you might wind up in Hell...the other who knows where, both of you forever searching for the other. The afterlife is not a place for pure justice no matter how much we’d like to believe otherwise, so plan accordingly.

4. Simply make sure she knows what is going to happen, and ensure that her family and friends are around to help her through it when you go the way of the Dodo. It’s a bit less extreme, and rather anticlimactic, but it may be all that you can do for her, unfortunately. There is always reincarnation, and it's known that many a succubus simply waits for their love to come back before making themselves known again.

A succubus is both a wonderful and a terrible being to have with you. They are loyal, sweet, cute, beautiful, loving, and fully versed in all the ways to please any and all of your fantasies. They are also evil in their nature, and terrible in their wrath. They are fully capable of killing you with no qualms, and then torturing your soul for all eternity in Hell assuming whatever she does to you doesn’t cause you to cease to exist first. If you strip all the mystic and demonic aspects away from your consideration, what you are looking at is an alien being. VERY different than any human despite her appearances. You both are in for a bit of a learning curve, especially if this is the first real relationship she’s been in, and it’s probably the first one you terminal geeks have been in. If you don’t learn patience, if you don’t learn about this alien woman, you’ll probably wind up dead by fucking and listed in the Darwin Awards as the dumb shit who got killed cause he forgot to feed his succubus or something equally moronic and equally easy to avoid. Keep in mind her infernal nature, and how that might endanger you and her; the world is not so open-minded as you are. She is no pet, no toy...she is sentient in the same way you are and surprisingly sensitive. She will be your partner and best friend; possibly even the mother of your children if you both so desire them. Your life with her will be long and filled with adventure, assuming you follow the advice given in this guide. Remember: Never take her for granted or you’ll find that death will be the least of your worries.

Good luck in choosing your succubus. Or maybe...good luck now that a succubus has chosen you!